12/17/19
We are social beings. Unlike many other species, interpersonal connection is necessary to us. We can't live, or die for that matter, without the need for other people.
This was especially true as we evolved, and in early human years, our tribal nature forced a conscious awareness of what other people thought of us. If you were well-liked, it meant you could be a contributing member of a surviving culture. Living was what was on our minds, and it was basically all that mattered next to reproduction.
So, if you said something really stupid a million years ago, the girl you liked would never be your mate and she would tell the rest of the tribe about how dumb you were, too. You're screwed. Our ancestors then understood this important life lesson: not fitting in is awful, and you should never be yourself. Right?
Today, that same fear lingers, but it doesn't need to. It's a mostly obsolete way of thinking that prevents us from being ourselves. Of course, there are times where other people's thoughts can be important. Those will differ for people. But for example, I don't think you'll land a high commission as a salesman by showing up in pajamas and disagreeing violently with your client. And, expressing your hatred towards Christianity or Hillary Clinton at a corporate dinner party may not bode well for your team's chemistry.
Where caring too much does hurt us, though, is in social situations where fear holds us back, or in career decisions where there's a pull to take the respectable path instead of doing what your gut says. These are examples of circumstances where being yourself can only benefit you, but some subconscious driver is overestimating the risk of being your true self.
Let's revisit that same caveman situation, but in modern terms. You show up to a bar alone because you wanted to watch the game and grab a beer. Then you spot her from across the bar. Yeah, there she is. She's beautiful, her laugh is perfect, and she's wearing your favorite player's jersey. Here's where that evolutionary voice comes into play. "You are wearing sweatpants, and you will totally mess it up. Better if you don't go over there." You agree, and keep watching the game. She looks over. That voice takes the great opportunity to interject again: "You're sitting alone and look homeless. Her friends are even judging you. Let's get out of here." So, thanks to the voice, you left the bar before the game even ended. Now, you're sitting in your apartment binging House of Cards with a pint of Ben and Jerry's instead of watching the game like you wanted to, meeting new best friends, or talking to your future wife.
The reality is, like in almost all other situations, no one was even thinking about you. People are too busy worrying about their problems and who's judging them.
Everyone had those days in high school. Somehow, over a single sleep, you grew a massive zit right on the tip of your nose. You became Rudolph just in time for Christmas. It's like a huge red mountain poking right out of your schnoz. It grew a personality and is calling out for everyone to look at you. Thanks to your new biggest enemy, you couldn't stop thinking about how pathetic you looked for the whole day. You took every opportunity to cover it with your hands and avoid your crush. You were completely ashamed. That voice kept whispering to you that everyone was looking over each other's shoulder to see who's guiding Santa's sleigh this year.
The problem here is that you were too busy looking down to notice that everyone else had their own zit too. No one gives a fuck about yours. We are wired to think that everyone around is dying to stare at you the whole day. The reality is, someone might glance over, but no one is thinking deeply enough to judge you. They don't even have time for it, because they are scrolling TikTok for 6 hours a day instead.
This same lesson applies to the closest of relationships. You don't know everything, you don't know how life will end up, and you don't even know what's for breakfast tomorrow. But generally you have a pretty strong, convincing hunch that guides you towards next steps. We all have people whose opinions are very important to us, but if you already have that strong hunch, you can't let a passenger steer your life. You're the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. So go talk to the girl and become a chef instead of a lawyer. You'll be happier you did.
The Cliffnotes of the story is to be less conformist and more authentic to who you actually are. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with your decisions, not Aunt Judy, stranger Rick, or friend's brother Ron. What's more, maybe their advice is coming from their own evolutionary voice that desires approval. Advice and mentors are invaluable, but in receiving them, they should not become your opinion or mental baggage before thorough vetting and evaluation of your internal, authentic voice. Your gut is more loyal to you than that evolutionary voice.
You're born, you think a bunch of thoughts, and then you die. Life is pretty long, but it's not long enough to live like a caveman, putting existent or non-existence judgement from others at the top of your concern list. We can be more authentic and mindful than that.
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