12/7/20
*from the movie, "Love, Actually" (Richard Curtis, 2003)
Commitment, Desire, and Maintenance in Long Term Relationships
Having been in long term relationships, I have always thought about society’s accepted views on marriage. I wondered why most of my friends’ parents were divorced and why many in happy relationships cheated. In loving relationships, it’s clear that after some amount of time, the initial nerves, novelty, and infatuation fade into comfort and constants. The shyness from first dates is replaced with seeing your partner fresh out of bed, pooping in socks and underwear or puking from the morning’s hangover. Their previously unknown quirks and faults come out, and it turns out you can’t stand the way their hair gets caught in the shower drain and sticks to your feet. From what I’ve seen first-hand and read, this fading happens without fail in every long-lasting romantic partnership. Due to human nature and some influence of evolutionary development of our brains, it is mostly accepted that we are not wired for monogamy. Still, marriage has been around since before 2000 BC, and it is turned to by the majority today.
Without marriage, people’s minds jump to the harm of emptiness in that space: being alone. People sometimes will even jump into relationships because all of their friends are all cuffed, or they think “now or never, it’s better than being alone.” So we know that we aren’t designed for it, yet we think it’s our best bet.
In some cases, different people are better suited for a love solution that better fits their personality. For example, some are solitary, and reach romantic fulfilment through uncommitted relationships. Someone I know, for example, prefers to date many people in short ranges and gets their connection that way. For others, an agreement similar to marriage will work, but instead of “‘til death do us part,” it lasts only five years with an option to renew. While this solution looks more like a pro footballer’s contract, it’s a reminder that it isn’t “marriage or bust,” like it used to be. As society progresses, so does our understanding of ourselves, and solutions like this should be explored by many.
Even though we accept that monogamy isn’t ideal, it’s usually settled on because it’s decided that the alternative is worse. I, for example, can’t imagine a relationship where my partner is not committed to me. I value having a teammate to go through life with: someone to rely on, to challenge me, and to grow with. In my mind, the value in a tightly connected relationship like this is greater than the value that many prefer in meeting a lot of different people consistently. For the record, I am not saying that any solution is better or worse. Ultimately, it comes down to the individual and not only do they have the option to, but they should choose the one that will maximize their fulfilment. Everyone has a different love formula, but defining it can lead to a better realization of your love life, and a better love life leads to a more fulfilling and happier life.
In the situation of marriage or something like it, then, how do we acknowledge the possible shortcomings, whether they are in a partner’s behavior, or the experience of the relationship, and turn them into strengths in the relationship?
For one, Dr. Gottman was onto something: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can tear loving people apart. These in action take a partnership and turn a team into individuals. Over time, the accumulation of these acts make them further apart, until a long-term relationship feels more like two strangers. I’ve seen them in action and I’ve seen my parents -- the most successful example of a relationship that I know -- confront and avoid them. To learn how to identify them, check out the Gottman Institute’s video here. At a base level, they are unintentionally harmful acts used in conflict that actually escalate the situation. Instead, we want to use techniques that defuse the situation and make us better partners, more skillful in dealing with inevitable arguing.
Next, I think that constant proximity in a relationship can diminish appreciation and desire. That fade into comfort that I was talking about before comes with time, and comfort undoubtedly is more present in a relationship without any kind of distance. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and they’re certainly not wrong. Think about any of your loving relationships -- sometimes, the moments where you are drawn to them most are during reunions after time away. Time away is not a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Again, it comes to an individual level, but it’s at least important to an extent. Some will find that avoiding cohabitation is the best way to achieve healthy distance, while for others it may be as simple as a walk alone or pursuit of individual interests like a solo trip.
Maintenance of a relationship largely comes down to maintenance of yourself, and a common understanding with your partner of the work it takes to keep it strong.
Among these understandings, it’s mostly agreed that desire is an important aspect of a romantic relationship. It can flicker and fluctuate over time but the light has to be there. Love, of course, is not only sex. It can be just a small part, but it’s usually a prerequisite to the other aspects of love. Romantic love in intimate relationships without sex will often fail to realize a deeper connection. If it weren’t largely true, then relationships wouldn’t fail due to the many talking points of sex: children, cheating, infidelity, and loss of passion. It sounds controversial, and some would say that sex is not a neccessity. But without it, is a relationship romantic or intimate? Maybe so, but I am speaking again about the majority of examples I have seen. For some more material on desire, I suggest checking out Esther Perel’s talks on it.
Back in caveman times, evolution had morphed us into sex machines. As with all sexually active organisms, sex is meant to be a genetic variation mechanism. With genetic variation come characteristics more fit for survivability, and the process continues. Because of this, we were not supposed to be monogamist, and even further, men were meant to have a lot of sex with a lot of women, and women were naturally designed to have many children. Today, that means that hanging around a lover is going against the grain. Past some time period, maybe three months, it becomes naturally harder to. Everyone does things to annoy another, and they become clear when you’re around for someone for an extended amount of time. Therefore, communication, openness to criticism, and tolerance are essential to long term harmony. No one should accept all of anyone. No one is perfect. Think of your role model -- surely, they have flaws and things that you refuse to accept. It’s hard to accept that we have them ourselves, but doing so leads to an adaptive and relationship-ready you.
There’s a lot to unpack in the romantic relationships of today. Every relationship comes in a different flavor, and each person has different characteristics that are relevant to having them. Marriage remains the most popular choice for lifelong love, yet it fails most of the time. For many, it fails more than once or even a few times. Is it the institution itself? Is it something in an individual’s tendencies? What can we do to build personalized solutions that are successful under our own definitions? These are all very important questions, because I think we can all agree that love is an important ingredient for a fulfilled life. What comes next is making it work in the best way it can.
- Jack
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